I thought I thought a thought, but the thought I thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much!
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Sex is like air: It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead"?
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury: (n.) Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated.
It must be true that women are from Venus. Look at all the hot air over there.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lotto numbers, why are they all still working?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo.
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: (n.) A device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded; your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" until you can find a rock.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back; they might be gaining on you.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move ten miles away?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... Coincidence?
Computers
...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
The 11th Commandment: Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
Windows: Just another pain in the glass.
SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory...
Who's General Failure, and why's he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer -- A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue...
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Hit any user to continue.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Email returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegyops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_^"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
2400 baud makes you want to get out and push!!
I hit the <CTRL> key, but I'm still not in control!
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Disk Full -- Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
Programmer -- A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere!
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2, either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing -- Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
<--- The information went data way. --->
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression.
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding.
The name is Baud... James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied -- Nah nah na nah nah!
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Y)ep/(N)ope
Backups? We don't need no steenking backups!
E Pluribus Modem
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): Something used to catch the etherbunny.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error-correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington, D.C.? (Y/N)
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.