Happily Addicted to the Web

(sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin', From my mouth, drool is glist'nin', I'm happy--although My boss let me go-- Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There's beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man! Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?" With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man; I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes, Don't go out, don't pay taxes, Who cares if someday They drag me away? I'm happily addicted to the Web!

The Bill Gates Song

(to the tune of "The Christmas Song")

Netscape roasting on an open fire, Apple begging on its knees, Photo popping up on Time magazine, Yes, Bill Gates dreams of days like these! Everybody knows he's never fully satisfied, Throws himself behind each task, World dominion is his company's goal. Well, hey, is that so much to ask? He knows the world is in his sway, We'll buy whatever software he might toss our way, We'll surf his Internet, watch his TV, He'll take us anywhere we ask him--for a fee.

And so we're offering this simple prayer, To Bill and all his MS grunts: Since we all follow any standard you write, Make it good, please, Make it good, please, Make it good, please, just once!

Gil Amelio's Coming to Town!

(to the tune of Santa Claus Is Coming to town)

You better watch out, Absurd as it sounds, 'Cause Apple's about To lose a few pounds-- Gil Amelio's coming to town!

He's making a list, And trimming the rolls Of projects that missed Their revenue goals-- Gil Amelio's coming to town!

He knows what's losing money, Like eWorld, PowerTalk . . . You'd better make your project work Or prepare to take a walk!

Though you follow his lead Right out the back door, You know he'll succeed-- He's done it before! Gil Amelio's coming to town!

Microsoft

(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

Nine-tenths of a gig, Biggest ever seen, God, this program's big-- MS Word 15! Comes on ten CDs, And requires--damn! Word is fine, but jeez-- 60 megs of RAM?!

Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft, Bloatware all the way! I've sat here installing Word Since breakfast yesterday! Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft, Moderation, please. Guess you hadn't noticed: Four-gig drives don't grow on trees!

I'm Dreaming of a Clean System

(to the tune of "White Christmas")

I'm dreaming of a clean System, Something that fits on one CD. Each component matches, Not bits and patches, Unlike 7-5-point-3.

I'm longing for a dream System, Small, stable, fast, and trouble-free. What we want, I think you'll agree, Is called System 6-point-oh-3!

Violent Night

(to the tune of "Silent Night")

Silent Mac, broken Mac! System bombed, screen went black. Books suggested things; I tried 'em all: Shift key, desktop file, clean reinstall. Now my deadline is tight, This Mac's been silent all night.

Violent night, horrible night! Lost my cool, filled with spite, Threw my Mac through the balcony door Watched it fall from the 20th floor, Now I'm sleeping in peace; Thank God I had it on lease.

Prove It's So!

(to the tune of "Let It Snow")

Oh, the papers say Apple's dying, But before we start good-byeing, We should call them all up and go, "Prove it's so! Prove it's so! Prove it's so!"

They say "Mac OS software's scarcer." We say, "Read those numbers, there, sir, Sales continued this year to grow. There ya go, there ya go, there ya go!"

When they tell us Win 95 Made the Mac's famed advantages ebb, We'll say, "Why, then, do Macs now drive 60 percent of the Web?"

We can win our PR reversal-- Make the Mac be universal-- Though we may have some years to go, Make it so, make it so, make it so!

Grepping in a '^(Unix|Wonderland)$'

(2the2nOfWintrWundrland)
CopyYeahRight 1994
cybervox@mercury.interpath.net

Let us ping, is it listening? When you fing @snow.glistening An ftp site, mgetting tonight, Grepping in a '^(Unix|Wonderland)$'

Gone away: /usr/bin/sh, Here to stay is tcsh I'm in .deny (cron), my .newsrc's gone Grepping in a '^(Unix|Wonderland)$'

In the rootdir we can build a shellscript And pretend that it is parsing 'brown' It echos 'Are you @ing?' We'll say "No man." But use expr when you're in town

Later we'll use vi As we find for some files To face and forsake xmkmf when we make Grepping in a '^(Unix|Wonderland)$'

better !pout !cry better watchout lpr why santa claus <north pole >town cat /etc/passwd >list ncheck list ncheck list cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist cat list | grep nice >giftlist santa claus <north pole > town who | grep sleeping who | grep awake who | egrep 'bad|good' for (goodness sake) { be good }

Twas the night before implementation and all through the house, not a program was working, not even a browse. The programmers hung round their cubes in despair, with hopes that a miracle soon would be there.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of inquiries danced in their heads. When out of the cpe there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

And what to my wandering eyes should appear, but a super programmer with a six pack of beer. His resume glowed with experience so rare, he turned out great code with a bit-pushers flair.

More rapid than eagles, his programs they came - he whistled and shouted and called them by name; On update, on add, on inquire, on delete, on batch jobs, on closing, on functions complete.

His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean, from weekends and nights spent in front of a screen. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word but went straight to his work, turning specs into code; then he turned with a jerk, and laying his finger upon the enter key, the system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated, the deletes they deleted, the inquiries inquired, the closing completed. He tested each whistle, he tested each bell, and with nary an abend, all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded, the clients' last changes were even included. And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt, "It's just what I asked for but not what I want."