Athletes as Scholars

"Yeah, I can go to my right and my left. That's because I'm amphibious."

-- Basketball player Chris Washburn, commenting on his ability to drive to the basket

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

-- Senior basketball player at the University of Michigan (also attributed to senior at University of Pittsburgh)

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

-- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

-- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

-- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes."

-- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

-- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"I've won at every level, except college and pro."

-- Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

-- Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota

"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

-- Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

-- New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season

-- Matt Millen of the Raiders, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say, "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl"

"Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

-- Oiler coach Bum Phillips, when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

-- (1996) - Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

-- (1992) - Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

-- (1982) - Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice

-- (1981) - Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations

"One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"

-- (1966) - Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning

"I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."

-- (1981) - Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis

"But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

-- (1991) - Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books

"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."

-- (1986) - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs

-- (1991) - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights, as opposed to Sunday afternoons

"I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."

-- (1996) - Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote

"He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that means we're not going to any more bowl games.'"

-- (1991) - Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers

"They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."

-- (1986) - LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children

"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

-- (1991) - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player

"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

-- (1991) - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, of his coach, John Jenkins

"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

-- (1987) - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D