A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the man, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them!"

An American businessman started up a company in Afghanistan. He makes land mines, but disguised as prayer rugs.

He says the company is doing great; business is booming, and prophets are going through the roof.

Recently scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

I would have to say that my favorite movie of all time is "Annie." I especially love the part where DeNiro plays Russian Roulette in the VC prison camp. Wait, that was "The Deer Hunter"... Oh, what the hell -- I love 'em both!

-- Dave George

From: deannak@nospam.umich.edu (Deanna K.G. Ferrante) Subject: Janet Reno, you sly dog!

Headline seen on October 3, 1997 CNN online:

"Reno To Extend Gore Probe"

(Good luck, Janet!)

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming.
They don't know I'm only using blanks.

From: aria@ece.rice.edu (Aria Nosratinia) Subject: Good old days

[Seen on a bumper sticker]

It was so nice when the windows were washed, the mice were trapped, and UNIX tended the harem.

A teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry."

Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see... Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry!"

I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another...

I said, "Let's go back to my place."

She said, "Oh, do you have cable?"

I said, "No... But I have some old ropes that should hold just fine!"

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre.
The bartender gave it to her.

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.

Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?

A: Throw him a rock.

Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

A: Beer nuts are usually around a buck forty-nine, but deer nuts are always under a buck.

Q: What are the last words of every redneck?

A: "Hey, Bubba, hold my beer and watch me do this!"

Q: Why don't Baptists make love standing up?

A: Because it might lead to dancing.

Q: Why do mermaids wear seashells?

A: Because size B are too small and size D are too big.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?

A: Right where you left him.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

A: He sold his soul to Santa.

Q: How do you get holy water?

A: Boil the hell out of it.

Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

A: "Dam."

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

A: Polaroids.

Q: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?

A: National Dyslexics Association.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A: A stick.

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?

A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?

A: Spoiled milk.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A: A nervous wreck.

Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

A: The taste.

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

A: They all have phones.

Q: How do you catch a polar bear?

A: First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice. Next, you place enough peas around the hole to completely surround the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A: A woman who won't do what she's told.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What do you call four sheep tied to a post in Dublin?

A: A brothel.