Marriage Quotes

reprinted with permission from Nathan's Collection of Humor

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive.

-- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

-- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

-- Helen Rowland

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands.

-- Guitry

A White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches.

-- Poor Jimmy's Almanac

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

-- Borge

Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

-- Agatha Christie

And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

-- Socrates

Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.

Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action.

-- Catch-22

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.

Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.

Here lies my wife in earthy mould When she lived did naught but scold Good friends go softly in your walking Lest she should wake and rise up talking

Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

-- Ken Dodd

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.

I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.

-- Dick Martin

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope.

-- Tynan

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'?

-- Phyllis Diller

I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.

-- Chekhov

If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks.

-- Rita Rudner

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

In a novel the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a movie that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, getting rich, and whipping servants. But you have to shoot him in the end.

-- Herman Mankiewicz

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.

In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!

Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him.

-- Rich Little

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable.

-- Oscar Wilde

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

Man and wife make one fool.

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.

-- Cass Daley

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution - but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman.

-- Herbert Spencer

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.

-- John Lyly

Marry not a tennis player, for love means nothing to them.

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

May you never leave your marriage alive.

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

-- H.L. Mencken

Most men define marriage as a very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.

-- Lenny Bruce

My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm DAMN lucky to have them.

My other wife is beautiful.

My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him!

My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.

-- PJ O'Rourke

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..."

-- Lenny Bruce

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

-- Honore de Balzac

Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin!

-- Al Bundy

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers.

-- W. Somerset Maugham

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

Spinster: A bachelor's wife.

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.

Ted Kennedy: "Where was George?"
Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

-- Groucho Marx

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism.

-- Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.

-- S.T. Coleridge

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.

The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

-- James Holt McGavran

Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of apples.

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

-- Groucho Marx

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

-- H.L. Mencken

What's new? Most of my wife.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

-- Guitry

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

When Baby's cries grew hard to bear I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff. My wife said "George, I'm so unhappy! Our darling's now completely frappe!"

-- Graham

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

Wife: The perfect acquisition for any genlteman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.

DISCLAIMER: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.

Happy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank, and Maxine.

-- Rolling Stone Classified Ad

It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs. Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.

May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.

May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.

May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your nose always.

May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.

One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly. Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

-- Ruth Smythers, Marriage advice for women, 1894 [fake]

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course.

-- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother - I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.