Jokes for Men

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight!
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Honey, pack up your things! I just won the California Lottery!" She replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" He responds, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all. Money. A beautiful house. A big car. The love of a beautiful woman. Then POW! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."

A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something clever?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called a wedding cake.

Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, Son.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful.

Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years." "Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia." "Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?" "Go back and get her."