Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny.reruns Subject: Backwoods fun From: jon@Apple.COM (Jon Singer) Date: Fri, 30 Jan 98 19:20:46 EST URL: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/89q2/origtopfus.366.html

(from Jon Singer and Michael Butler)

(taken from Pyro Joe's Hot Flashes, pp 137-151)

Now, kids, it's tahm ta talk about dee-layed gratification.

....

Here's one that'll tickle ya pink! (Also black & blue if ya stand around it too long. Take a hint from ol' Joe.)

'menny	Whut is it	Where d'ya git it
1	1 inch cube of 90% Palladium with 10% Titanium	any good hardware store should have it
1	4 inch length of gold wahr	steal from yore sister's earrin's
5 gallons	heavy water, with 10% DTO (th' "Jolt" version, heh heh.)	steal frum Navy base or borry frum naybors.
1 cup	Lithium Lye, with Deuterium, USGummint #3039924057394XD	war surplus store
1	1 to 3 volt, 30 amp pahr splah	hell, bild it, use pappy's arc welder, or whutever.
1	special currint reggalater (figger 3, end of chapter)	bild it.
1	Kickass(tm) 8 week timer or equiv'lint	ain'tchoo gotta hardware bin? Call up Bud's Scientific Splah. Don't let on whut it's for.
1	big moonshahn crock, with lid.	c'mon, ya gotta know where ta git basics!

Plus th' usual wahr an' stuff, as requahred.

How d'ya do it, Joe?

Wal, ya find a ol' shack on a hill somewheres that still got pahr goin' to it. (Elsewise, ya gots ta use a whole lotta ol' truck batt'ries, which is tuff ta hump around.) Put th' crock in th' shack, and pour th' Jolt water inta it. Stir in th' Lithium Lye, slow an' careful. Don't splash none, an' don't add th' stuff too quick, now. Cover it real taht, so's ya don't lose too much. Y'all don't wanna hafta sneak inta th' navybase again, do ya? Them guys got guns & stuff and they ain't afraid ta use it.

So, ennyway, see, ya bild the pahr splah, an' ya bild th' currint reggalater in figger 3 at th' end of th' chapter, the one with the special shunt cirkit fer changin' the currint. Thet's whar th' Kickass tahmer goes. Test it ta be sure that th' current starts at about 30 amps and goes down ta 10 or 15 when th' tahmer goes off.

Bild th' other stuff lahk in figger 2. Cart th' whole mess down ta th' shack, and put th' bizniz end inta the Jolt water. Don't leave th' lid off too long, now. Cover it up good, an' duck tape it, specially th' place wher the wahrs come out. Ah got me some motorcycle ground strap, which is read'ly avail'ble an' flat, so it don't queer up the fit o' the lid. Bolt the straps down real secure, an' put vaseline on th' bolts.

Now, set th' Kickass tahmer fer 8 weeks, plug th' pahr splah in, make sure ya got 30 amps, an' take a hike.

'Member, neutrons ain't yer frens. Keep ol' Blue away from th' shack unless ya want two-headed puppies runnin' around eatin' too much, probly worrit yore mom no end, an' if ya gotta go in ther ta check, don't stay long. Ya want ol' Joe's advice, after around 7 weeks, don't go in ther atall.

This hear makes a real 'hot flash', an' in fact, it's whut this book is named fer. Y'all kin see th' flash from a couple mahls away, raht through th' av'ridge wall, so don't go bildin' it in yer basemit. Got thet? No need ta keep it too close ta home, raht? Ya kin get caught with it if it's too close. Besides, ya don't want yer sister fahndin' out wher her earrin's got off ta. She probly woont lahk it, an' she'll make ya cut her in on the deal. 'Course, thet maht not be too bad, if she's good with a soldrin' ahrn. Probly bilds good pahr splahs, an that's importunt ta this 'hot flash'.

Ah got trouble, Joe. Now whut?

Whut happen	Whut ta do
ya hair falls out in hanks	Dummy! I tol' ya not ta stan' aroun' up close-lahk! Thow away yer clothin', an' take lots o' shahrs. Eat some vitamin E, an' call th' doc ef'n it don't stop in a spell.
red skin & funny spots	same thing.
juice won't drop to 10-15 amps	shunt circuit screwed up, or ya bought a cheap tahmer. Don't bah you no cheap tahmers!
no flash after 8 weeks is gone bah	th' Authority mebbe cut yer pahr. Wait 2 more weeks an' then check fer pahr at the wall sockit. Ef thet don't work, check the pahr splah. Ah tol' ya yer sister probly bild it better then you, ya shoulda listened. Also check th' tahmer. 'Member whut ah sed about cheap ones!
Big wet spot	ya crock leak? If no leaks, check the roof. If the roof leaks, don't worrit yerself. If th' crock leaks, fix it quick.
'lectrode turns brown	probly yer Lithium Lye is contaminatid. Ya can give it up, or start over.
runs hot	only happins once in a whahl. Swipe Grampa's ol' still-tubin', an' make lahk a li'l still coil with it. Jes' run th' outlet back inta the crock. Duck tape the whole mess real good. If thet ain't enuf, use a truck radiater. Don't drink the stuff, neither! Taste lahk hell, take it from one that knows.

Y'all have fun, now. Ef ya hit the sweet spot, th' hill will glow fer munths. Thet means you done real good! Set up a "myst'ry spot" sahn, an' charge th' city folks a dollar a look.

Yore Frend,

Joe