DOGS

Dog Property Laws

  1. If I like it, it's mine.
  2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
  3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
  4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
  5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
  6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
  7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
  8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
  9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
  10. If it goes into the neighbor's yard, it's yours.

Life Lessons Learned From a Dog

  1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
  2. Don't go out without ID.
  3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
  4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
  5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
  6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
  7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
  8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Famous Dog Quotes From: egon@tradeservices.com (Cole Tuininga) Date: Fri, 18 Jun 1999 19:30:00 PDT URL: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/99/Jun/dogs.html

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
-- Unknown

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
-- Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead."
-- Unknown

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
-- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-- Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
-- Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
-- Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-- Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
-- Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
-- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
-- Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
-- Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-- Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-- Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
-- Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
-- John Steinbeck

How Dogs Are Better Than Women

  1. Dogs don't cry.
  2. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
  3. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
  4. Dogs think you sing great.
  5. Dogs limit their time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
  6. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
  7. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
  8. Dogs don't mind if you play with other dogs.
  9. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
  10. Dogs are excited by rough play.
  11. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
  12. Dogs understand that farts are funny.
  13. Dogs love red meat.
  14. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
  15. Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
  16. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
  17. Dogs don't shop.
  18. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
  19. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
  20. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
  21. A dog's parents never visit.
  22. Dogs love long car trips.
  23. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
  24. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
  25. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
  26. Dogs like beer.
  27. Dogs don't hate their bodies.
  28. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
  29. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
  30. Dogs never criticize.
  31. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  32. Dogs never expect gifts.
  33. It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
  34. Dogs don't worry about germs.
  35. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
  36. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
  37. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
  38. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
  39. You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
  40. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
  41. Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
  42. Dogs never want foot rubs.
  43. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
  44. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
  45. Dogs can't talk.
  46. Dogs aren't catty.
  47. Dogs seldom outlive you.
  48. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

  1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
  2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
  3. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
  4. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
  5. Dogs don't criticize your friends.
  6. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
  7. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
  8. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
  9. Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
  10. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
  11. No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
  12. You can train a dog.
  13. Dogs are easy to buy for.
  14. Dogs are good with kids.
  15. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
  16. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
  17. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
  18. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
  19. Dogs understand what "no" means.
  20. Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
  21. Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
  22. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
  23. Dogs do not read at the table.
  24. Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
  25. You can house train a dog.
  26. You can force a dog to take a bath.
  27. Dogs don't correct your stories.
  28. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
  29. Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
  30. Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
  31. Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
  32. Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
  33. Dogs admit it when they're lost.
  34. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
  35. Dogs look at your eyes.
  36. Dogs like your size.
  37. Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
  38. Dogs take care of their own needs.
  39. Dogs are color blind.
  40. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
  41. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
  42. Dogs are nice to your relatives.
  43. Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.

How Dogs and Women Are the Same

  1. Both look stupid in hats.
  2. Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
  3. Both tend to have "hip" problems.
  4. Neither understand football.
  5. Both look good in a fur coat.
  6. Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
  7. Neither believe that silence is golden.
  8. Both constantly want back rubs.
  9. Neither can balance a checkbook.
  10. You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
  11. Both put too much value on kissing.

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

  1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
  2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
  3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
  4. Both like to chew wood.
  5. Both mark their territory.
  6. Both are bad at asking you questions.
  7. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
  8. Both tend to smell riper with age.
  9. Neither does any dishes.
  10. Both fart shamelessly.
  11. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
  12. Both like dominance games.
  13. Both are suspicious of the postman.
  14. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
  15. Neither understands what you see in cats.
  16. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

How Women Are Better Than Dogs

  1. It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
  2. Women look good in sweaters.
  3. Women leave the room to fart.
  4. Though they only have two, women's breasts are far more interesting.

How Men Are Better Than Dogs

  1. Men only have two feet that track in mud.
  2. Men can buy you presents.
  3. Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
  4. Men are a little bit more subtle.
  5. Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.
  6. Men open their own cans.
  7. Dogs have dog breath all the time.
  8. Men can do math stuff.
  9. Holiday Inns accept men.
  10. Men are strong and like to lift things to prove it.
  11. Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.