computer viruses
- Bill Clinton virus:
- Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes;
50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your
computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been
having one of its own for 12 years.
- Monica Lewinsky virus:
- Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
- Hillary Clinton virus:
- Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later; in another
directory.
- Bob Dole virus:
- Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a
threat.
- George Bush virus:
- It starts by boldly stating; "Read my docs... No New Files!" on the screen.
It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files,
then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
- Dan Quayle virus v1.0:
- Their is sumthing rong with yor compueter, ewe just can't figyour out
watt.
- Dan Quayle virus v2.0:
- Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into
a binary network.
- Colin Powell virus:
- Makes it's presence known but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it
would.
- Steve Forbes virus:
- All files reported as the same size.
- Ross Perot virus:
- Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing
quits.
- Pat Buchanan virus:
- Your system works fine, but complains loudly about foreign software.
- Ollie North virus:
- Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
- Ted Turner virus:
- Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
- Congressional virus:
- The computer locks up and the screen splits in half with the same message
appearing on each side. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is
caused by the other side.
- Federal Bureaucrat virus:
- Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do
practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of
the computer.
- Government Economist virus:
- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is
fine.
- New World Order virus:
- Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking
about it.
- Gallup virus:
- 60% of the PCs infected will lose 38% of their data 14% of the time (plus
or minus a 3.5% margin of error).
- Politically Correct virus:
- Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an
"electronic microorganism".
- Right to Life virus:
- Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you
attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about
possible alternatives.
- Health Care virus:
- Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for
$4,500.00.
- Texas virus:
- Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
- Mario Cuomo virus:
- It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
- O.J. Simpson virus:
- You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove
it.
- Kevorkian virus:
- Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
- Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
- Oprah Winfrey virus:
- Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands
back to 200MB.
- Elvis virus:
- Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy; then self destructs only to surface
at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
- Jimmy Hoffa virus:
- Your program can never be found again.
- Freudian virus:
- Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard.
- Paul Revere virus:
- This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending
hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
- Adam and Eve virus:
- Takes a couples of bytes out of your Apple.
- Airline Luggage virus:
- You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
- Nike virus:
- Just does it.
- Sears virus:
- Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and
shocks.
- Star Trek virus:
- Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
- PBS virus:
- Your program stops running every few minutes to ask for money.
- AT&T virus:
- Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
- MCI virus:
- Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T
virus.
- Ellen Degeneres virus:
- Your IBM suddenly claims it's a Mac.
- Titanic virus:
- Makes your whole computer go down.
- Disney virus:
- Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
- Mike Tyson virus:
- Quits after one byte.
- X-files virus:
- All your Icons start shapeshifting.
- Prozac virus:
- Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
- Sharon Stone virus:
- Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
- Lorena Bobbit virus:
- Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
- Viagra virus:
- Turns you 3.5 inch floppy into a hard drive.
- Tim Allen virus:
- Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
- Woody Allen virus:
- Bypasses the motherboard and screws the daughter card.
- Saddam Hussein virus:
- Won't let you into any of your programs.
- Tonya Harding virus:
- Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
- George Michael virus:
- Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.
- Joey Buttafuoco virus:
- Only attacks minor files.
- Spice Girl virus:
- Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
- Ronald Reagan virus:
- Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
- Dr. Jack Kevorkian:
- Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
- Sony Bono virus:
- Just when you get surfing the web, a fir tree appears out of nowhere.