Computer Glossaries

{ADA, n.}: Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."
{beta test, v.}: To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
{bit, n.}: A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years ago.
{bug, n.}: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
{buzzword, n.}: The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
{cache, n.}: A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there.
{clone, n.}: 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product is a clone of our product."
{design, v.}: What you regret not doing later on.
{documentation, n.}: Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons.
{economies of scale, n.}: The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all those limitations.
{enhance, v.}: To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
{genlock, n.}: Why he stays in the bottle.
{guru, n.}: A computer owner who can read the manual.
{handshaking protocol, n.}: A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
{hardware, n.}: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
{information center, n.}: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
{information processing, n.}: What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
{italic, adj.}: Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases are often slanted to the left.
{Japan, n.}: A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from which they are harvested by the happy natives.
{kern, v.}: 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, metal object used as part of the monetary system.
{machine-independent program, n.}: A program that will not run on any machine.
{meeting, n.}: An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve the problem.
{minicomputer, n.}: A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level manager.
{modem, adj.}: Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
{office automation, n.}: The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
{online, n.}: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
{Pascal, n.}: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
{performance, n.}: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
{pixel, n.}: A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
{priority, n.}: A statement of the importance of a user or program. Often expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less badly than someone else.
{prototype, n.}: First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the prototype is not expected to work.
{quality control, n.}: Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
{regression analysis, n.}: Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are getting worse.
{revolutionary, adj.}: Repackaged.
{strategy, n.}: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization.
{systems programmer, n.}: A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you are to receive from your boss.
{unix, n.}: A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off with the workstation harem.

New Definitions from Silicon Valley

Batmobiling: Putting up emotional shields. Taken from the armor that covers the batmobile in the movie. "She started talking marriage and he started batmobiling.
Beepilepsy: Afflicts those with vibrating pagers; characterized by sudden spasms, goofy facial expressions and loss of speech.
Betamaxed: When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better-marketed competition, as in "Microsoft Windows betamaxed Apple."
Blowing Your Buffer: Losing your train of thought.
Cobweb: A WWW site that never changes.
Elvis Year: The peak year of popularity; as in, "1993 was Barney's elvis year."
Generica: The phenomenon whereby all cities look exactly the same. Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions, as in "We were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city I was in."
Going Postal: Totally stressed out and losing it.
High Dome: Egghead, scientist, PhD.
Irritainment: Annoying but you can't stop watching it; the OJ trial.
Meatspace, Carbon Community, Facetime, F2F, RL: The physical world (as opposed to the virtual).
Percussive Maintenance: Whacking a device to get it working.
Prairie Dogging: In companies where everyone has a cubical, something happens and everyone pops up to look.
Salmon Day: Swimming upstream all day to get screwed in the end.
Siliwood, Hollywired: The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV, and computers (EG: MSNBC)
Square Headed Girlfriend/Boyfriend: Computer.
Treeware: Manuals and documentation.
Umfriend: Squeeze, sexual relationship: "This is Dale, my... um... friend."
WWW: "World Wide Wait."
Yuppie Food Coupons: Twenty dollar bills from an ATM.

Jargon Update

Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Link Rot: The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.
Chip Jewelry: A euphamism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."
Crapplet: A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
Plug-and-Play: A new hire who doesn't need training. "The new guy is great. He's totally plug-and-play."
World Wide Wait: The real meaning of WWW.
CGI Joe: A hard-core CGI script programmer with social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome: Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest: Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Glazing: Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Half the room was glazing by the second session."
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not Found," meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."
Dead Tree Edition: The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Egosurfing: Scanning the net, databases, print, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.
Graybar Land: The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
Open-Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute.
Squirt The Bird: To transmit a signal to satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"
Brain Fart: A biproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.
Cobweb Site: A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web page.
It's a Feature: From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."
Career-Limiting Move (Clm): Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Elvis Year: The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Adminisphere: The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Tourists: People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
Blowing Your Buffer: Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Dang, I just blew my buffer!"
Gray Matter: Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Bookmark: To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."
Nyetscape: Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.; Note: This list is from the late 1990s, after AOL bought Netscape and let the browser stagnate.
Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.