Rules of Thumb for the Clueless
From somone who learned them the hard way
(Well, maybe)
- Hairdressers:
- Always assume that your barbers and hairdressers are from another galaxy
where "Just give me a trim" is actually Moronian for "What the hell, just chop
it all off." If you have a picture of yourself with a halfway decent haircut,
bring it in and point at it mutely. They'll understand. Just make sure there
aren't any pets in the picture with you, or they might get confused; God only
knows what you'll wind up looking like then.
- Dealing with Roommates:
- Undesirable roommates can be disposed of by surreptitiously stapling or
gluing bills of large denominations to the backs of their jackets. This works
best if you live in one of the seedier parts of town. It costs much less than
a hit man, and it's perfectly legal. I think.
- Selecting a Place to Live:
- Big basements are key. People you barely know will ask you to store all
sorts of stuff for them. Lots of stuff. Just tell them, "OK," take
their junk, and sell it the next day; they'll forget about it and never ask for
it again anyhow. If they do, simply inform them that their sofas have been
"liberated" by the Berserkers Advocating Rights for Furniture. They'll
understand, and they won't bother you any longer. Especially if you mention
that you are a member of the aforementioned organization. Make sure that you
foam at the mouth when you say this. Be rabid, with conviction.
- Bathroom Etiquette/Survivial:
- If you live in an apartment or house and are responsible for cleaning the
bathroom yourself (translation: the bathroom is cleaned bicentenially), use
orange shampoo. This way, you can rationalize that the orange slimy stuff
growing on your shower curtains is actually merely a buildup of shampoo
residue. Important note: if you have a roommate in the biological sciences,
under NO curcumstances allow him to grow a sample of it in a Petri dish. And
if he does, for heaven's sake, don't snort it, especially if there are sharp
objects lying around that you could hurt yourself with later. (I still have
the scars.)
- If the water pressure is low, when you use the bathroom, do your business,
flush immediately, then wipe yourself up and flush again. No sense in
having to duck flying pieces of crap while you're plunging the toilet.
- Yard Maintenance:
- When birds start perching on the lawn, it's time to mow it.
- Leftovers:
- Make sure to eat leftovers before the predator/prey relationship between
you and your food reverses itself through a process of accelerated evolution.
If you're not sure just how far this process has gone so far, keep a heavy,
blunt object handy while cleaning out the fridge.
- Even after leftovers have gotten to this stage, they can still be put to
good use: if you dump them in the trash (after clubbing them a couple of times,
of course) just before going on a two- or three- day trip, the resulting stench
will ensure that one of your roommates will take out the garbage for you while
you're gone.
- Bedtime Attire:
- If you're a sleepwalker, don't go to bed in the buff.
- "Doing Push-ups":
- In the making of the beast with two backs, avoid the resonant frequency of
your living complex, or you'll hear no end of it from your neighbors. If you
do hit that frequency, though, and you know you've been caught, stay with it
for a little while. If you only have the place rocking for a few seconds, then
you'll really hear no end of it.