New Alcohol Warnings

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles such as:

• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to "thay shings like thish".
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Bubba.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
• WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.