The Nine Types of Boyfriends

  1. Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
    Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
    Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
    Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
  2. Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
    Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
    Advantages: Stays put; predictable
    Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
  3. Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
    Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
    Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
    Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
  4. Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
    Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
    Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
    Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
  5. Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
    Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
    Advantages: Well rested; easy target
    Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
  6. The Sneak - "Who, me?"
    Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
    Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
    Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
  7. Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
    Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
    Advantages: Perpetually aroused
    Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
  8. The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
    Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
    Advantages: Tells good stories
    Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
  9. Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
    Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
    Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
    Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

The Nine Types of Girlfriends

  1. Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
    Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
    Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
    Disadvantages: May wise up someday
  2. Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable?"
    Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
    Advantages: Pays attention to you
    Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
  3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
    Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
    Advantages: Predictable
    Disadvantages: Contagious
  4. The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
    Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
    Advantages: Often right
    Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
  5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
    Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
    Advantages: Easily soothed
    Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
  6. Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
    Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
    Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
    Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
  7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
    Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
    Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
    Disadvantages: You will have no friends
  8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
    Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
    Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
    Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
  9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
    Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
    Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
    Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you