To be issued by the Iowa Tourism Bureau to all visitors:

1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Joensy's (located in Solon and Center Point). It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. The speciality is a breaded tenderloin bigger than a hub cap. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your ass. And don't mention that the "o" and "n" are backwards. It's a Czechoslovakian name. Make fun of it, and Joensy will kick your ass.
2. Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Greeley, Strawberry Point, Shueyville, What Cheer, etc.) or we will have to kick your ass.
3. Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Here it's called "pop". Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass-kicking.
4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.
5. We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.
6. Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass strawberries and our Five Seasons trees made out of metal. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And in Cedar Rapids, don't point at the genitalia on Frank and laugh or we'll kick your ass.
7. We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.
8. Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak medium-rare like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.
9. Don't try to fake an Iowa accent. We don't have an accent. Do NOT mention the movie Field of Dreams, because that will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.
10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, Minneapolis, St. Louis, and Denver, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Interstate 80 is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11. Don't complain that Iowa is flat and that all you can see is corn and hogs until after you've ridden across it in July on RAGBRAI. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way back to Milwaukee. If you don't know what RAGBRAI is, stay in Milwaukee.
12. Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little grey-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
13. So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in or near corn fields? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.
14. Writing it "Ioway City, Idaho, Home of the Hog-eyes" is NOT a joke. Your ass will be kicked.
15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how Iowa should "go back to the Indians." This will get your ass shot right after it gets kicked. Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.

Now enjoy your visit and then go home.