Three guys -- a Cyclone, a Hawkeye, and a UNI Panther -- are out walking along the beach together one day. They came across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish; that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Panther says, "I am studying to be a farmer; my dad was a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land in NE Iowa to forever be fertile."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, *FOOM*, the land in NE Iowa was made forever fertile.

The Hawkeye was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iowa City, so that no one can come into our precious town."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, *POOF*, there was a huge wall around Iowa City.

The Cyclone, being an engineer, says to the Genie, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, and nothing can get in or out. So, what do you want for your wish?"

The Cyclone says, "Fill it up with water."

Q: What does a U of I graduate say to an ISU graduate?

A: Would you like fries to go with that?

One day in a bus station, one man approached another and said, "I bet you're from the University of Iowa."

"Why, yes, I am," answered the other. "How could you tell: Was it my good looks, my debonair charm, my taste in clothing?"

"No," replied the first, "I saw your class ring as you were picking your nose."

Q: What is the difference between a U of I fan and a three-week-old puppy?

A: Eventually the puppy will stop whining.

U of I researchers announced this week that they've just discovered another use for sheep: Wool.

Q: What is black and yellow, 100 yards long, and has two front teeth?

A: The front row at Kinnick Stadium.

A kindergarten teacher explained to her class that she was an Iowa Hawkeye. She asked her students to raise their hands if they were Hawkeyes, too.

None of the students really knew what a Hawkeye was; but, wanting to be like their teacher, their hands exploded into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There was, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked her why she had decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a Hawkeye."

"Then," asked the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud Iowa State Cyclone!" boasted the little girl.

The teacher became a little perturbed, her face slightly red. She asked Kristen why she was a rebel.

"Well, my mom and dad are Cyclones, so I'm a Cyclone, too."

The teacher was now angry. "That's no reason," she said loudly. "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron? What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile.

"Then," said Kristen, "I'd be a Hawkeye."

Q: What do you get when you put thirty-two U of I cheerleaders in the same room?

A: A full set of teeth.

A severe storm rumbled through Iowa City last week and destroyed the entire town. Ten dollars' worth of damage was reported.

Q: Do you know why there are always several Hawkeye students trying to get tickets in front of the stadium?

A: They keep using that Taco Bell coupon on the back of the ticket on the way to the game.

A University of Iowa grad showed up at the emergency room one autumn day with a back injury. The doctor asked him what he was doing to incur such an injury. The man responded that he was raking leaves and fell out of the tree.

Q: What is the most effective U of I freshman orientation film?

A: Dumb and Dumber.

An Iowa City area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room, where a cadaver was lying on the table. Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over, and to his amazement, there was a cork in its ass. Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard the Iowa Hawkeye fight song come out the guy's butt. Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor.

"Sir, you've got to come down and help me; I've just seen something I can't believe!"

Annoyed by the naïveté of his assistant, the mortician followed him downstairs.

"There, look at the cork in the ass of that body! I couldn't imagine what it was doing there, so I pulled it out. Please, you do it."

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork. Then the Iowa fight song started playing.

Exasperated, he replaced the cork, turned to his assistant, and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song."

Q: How many Hawkeyes does it take to tackle an Iowa State Cyclone?

A: Good question; no one knows!

[Note: I believe this one dates back to the middle of the Hawkeyes' 15-game winning streak against ISU...]

A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there, the Devil notices that the farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90° and about 80% humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, "I like it here; the temperature is just like plowing my fields in June!"

The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100° and the humidity to 90%.

After turning everything up, he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says, "This is even better; it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July!"

The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120° and the humidity to 100%.

Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting on the floor -- even happier than before! The farmer turns to the Devil and says, "This is great; it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August!"

The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this farmer." He goes over and turns the temperature down to 25° and sets the weather control to SNOW. "Let's see what the farmer has to say about this."

A little while later, the Devil finds the farmer -- only now he's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "The Cyclones have finally beat the Hawkeyes!"

Q: What's the difference between the Carver-Hawkeye Arena and a porcupine?

A: The porcupine has 15,000 pricks on the OUTside.

Q: Why do Iowa graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: How many University of Iowa students does it take to change a flat tire?

A: Two. One to hold the drinks while the other calls daddy.

Q: What do you get if you toss a bunch of Iowa fans in your basement?

A: A whine cellar!

[This one definitely shows its age...]

ESPN's Dick Vitale was in Indiana to announce a basketball game when he noticed a red phone near the Hoosier's bench. He asked Coach Knight what it was for. "It's a hotline to God," the coach said.

Vitale asked if he could use it. "Sure, but it will cost you $100," was the answer. Vitale thought he needed a break picking the games, so he pulled out his wallet and paid the $100.

Dick Vitale had a perfect week.

The next week he went to Iowa City and noticed the same kind of phone on the Hawkeye's bench. He asked coach Alford about the phone. "It's the hotline to God, and it will cost you $200 if you want to use it," Alford said.

Vitale, again, paid the money and, again, had a perfect week.

The next week, Vitale was in Ames, when he noticed the same kind of phone by the Cyclone's bench. He asked Coach Eustachy about it. "Is that the hotline to God?"

The coach said, "Yes, and it will cost you 35¢ to use it."

"Wait a second," exclaimed Vitale. "I just paid $100 in Indiana and $200 in Iowa City to use the hotline to God. Why does Iowa State only charge 35¢?"

Larry smiled and replied, "In Ames, it's a local call."

Q: Why can't they have Astroturf at Kinnick Stadium?

A: Because the Hawkeye cheerleaders wouldn't have anywhere to graze.

OJ Simpson should have taken Al Cowling's advice and fled to Iowa City. No one would have thought to look for a football player there.

Q: What do you do to keep a Hawkeye running back out of your yard?

A: Paint your yard like an endzone.

Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in Des Moines.

The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks, and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands with lots of paper towels, he loftily announced to no one in particular, "At the University of Northern Iowa, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction.

The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was carefully drying his hands with only one paper towel, he severely announced to no one in particular, "At the University of Iowa, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I also learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air.

The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "At Iowa State University, I learned not to piss on my hands."

Q: What does a U of I student call an ISU student after graduation?

A: Boss.

Q: Why are they planning to resurface Kinnick Stadium with cardboard?

A: Because the Hawkeyes always play better on paper.

There was a rich Arabic gentleman who had three sons, ages 20, 17, and 12.

When the oldest turned 21, he asked him what he wanted for his birthday -- money was no concern. The son replied that he had always wanted a big airplane, so the father bought him a Boeing 747.

When the middle son turned 18, the father asked what he wanted for his birthday -- money was no concern. The son replied that he really liked fast cars, so the father bought him a Ferrari dealership.

When the youngest son turned 13, the father asked what he wanted for his birthday -- money was no concern. The son replied that he had always wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit, so the father bought him the University of Iowa.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy! Mommy! I want to be a Hawkeye when I grow up!"

Mom answers, "Now, Johnny, you know you can't do both."

Q: Why don't they have Christmas in Iowa City?

A: They can't find a virgin or three wise men.

There's a Hawkeye driving from Ames to Iowa City and a Cyclone driving from Iowa City to Ames. On Highway 30 in the middle of the night with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head-on in a horrible accident.

The Cyclone manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"

Likewise, the Hawkeye scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He, too, marvels, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The Hawkeye walks over to the Cyclone and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put aside our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals."

The Cyclone thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should... This rivalry is silly."

So the Cyclone pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniel's. He says to the Hawkeye, "I think we should toast to our newfound friendship and understanding."

The Hawkeye says, "You're damn right!" He grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Jack Daniel's.

After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Hawkeye hands it back to the Cyclone and says, "Your turn!"

The Cyclone twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nah, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

A Hawkeye football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from the horse he was riding and was nearly trampled to death. Fortunately, the manager of the K-Mart came out and unplugged it.

Q: Why don't U of I students duck hunt?

A: They can't throw the dogs high enough.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pig with a U of I graduate?

A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a good Hawkeye joke.

"Listen, buddy," the bartender growled, "See those two big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Hawkeye football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Iowa. That guy in the corner was Iowa's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in three sports at Iowa. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to tell your joke here?"

"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

Q: How many Iowa football players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just two, but they get three credit hours each.

After Tom Davis dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Dr. Tom a little two-bedroom house with a faded Hawkeye banner hanging from the front porch.

"This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says.

Dr. Tom looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. ISU flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Cyclone banner hangs between the marble columns.

"Thanks for the house, God. But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and Tim Floyd gets a mansion with new Cyclone banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"

God looks at him seriously for a moment, then with a smile God says, "That's not Floyd's house, that's mine."

Two guys from U of I are measuring a telephone pole. One guy is holding it up and the other is trying to run the tape up it. Two Iowa State students drive by, stop, and say, "Why don't you lay the pole down so it will be easier to measure?" The U of I students lay the pole down and begin measuring.

As soon as the Iowa State guys drive off, one of the U of I students says to the other, "Get that thing back up. I wanted to measure the height, not the length."

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. "Look Michael, see what I've made..." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there, I've placed civilization; over there, wilderness. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

Then the Archangel, impressed by God's work, pointed to a place. "What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "Ames, Iowa, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful women and an exquisite campus that is called ISU. The people from Ames are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous; and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working, and high-achieving; and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them in Iowa City!"

Q: How do you get an Iowa grad off your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

Albert Einstein arrives at a party, introduces himself to the first person he sees, and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "183." "That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We can talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We have much to discuss!"

Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How 'bout them Hawkeyes?"

A six-year-old boy was found walking around at night. A cop stop and asked the little boy if he needed a ride home. The little boy said, "No, my mom beats me, and so does my dad."

The cop asked, "Well, where do you want to live?"

The little boy replied, "I wanna live with the Iowa Hawkeyes, because they don't beat anybody!"

Q: How are a Cylcone fan and a Hawkeye fan alike?

A: Neither one graduated from the University of Iowa.