Version 1: Engineer

There was this male engineer on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But it did not last. A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No people, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate and forlorn, but he decided that he had to make the best of it.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, and mostly looked to the sea constantly for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true? Was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat.

In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least for four months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal look. She spotted him, also, as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat toward him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from, and how did you get here?"

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"It is only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing else did."

"Well then," asked the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"

"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"But, but," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware? How did you do that?"

"Oh, no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

At this the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a palm tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?"

"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship."

"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

So the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered, and went back downstairs.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did. And the man continued to sip his pina colada. After a short time, the woman returned, wearing fig leaves strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now...?"

"Yes, there is," the man replied as he moved closer to the woman, fixing a winsome gaze upon her. "Tell me, do you happen to have an Internet connection?"

Version 2: Englishman

An Englishman was flying across the Pacific on a commercial airliner and decided he had to go to the bathroom, so he got up and started walking down the aisle, but just as he passed the plane door, it malfunctioned, opened, and he was sucked out.

Miraculously, he survived landing in the water and saw a tropical island nearby. He swam to it, certain that he would soon be rescued. However, fifteen years passed, and no one came to his rescue. Fortunately, there was a spring on the island, and he survived on coconuts and fish.

Finally, one day, as he was drawing sand pictures at the beach, he saw a woman in a trim-fitting scuba outfit emerge from the ocean. She was beautiful! She said, "Are you Fred Quimby?" He says, "Why, yes, I am."

"Congratulations, I am from Rescue, Inc., and we have been attempting to find you since you were lost. Now tell me, how long has it been since you've had a smoke?"

"Well, of course it's been about 15 years."

So she reaches down the front of her wet-suit on the left side and pulls out a package of Players cigarettes. "How in the world did you know that my favorite brand was Players?"

"We have researched all of your preferences very carefully, Fred; we want to do a good job."

So as Fred is taking a deep, satisfying drag on his cigarette, the rescuer said, "And how long has it been since you've had a drink?"

"Well, that's fifteen years, too." And so she reached down inside the wetsuit on the right side and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels.

"How did you know that Jack Daniels was my favorite drink?"

"Well, Fred, as I said, we have looked into all of those things, too. Do you mind if I have a drink, too?"

"No, of course not." And they both put a couple away.

Then, as she started to peel off the wet suit, she said, "And tell me, Fred, how long has it been since you've played around?"

"Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there!"

Version 3: Irishman

An Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, finally saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly, there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde, shaking her tresses.

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and Begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmills Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"