You Might Be a Cop If...

• You have the bladder capacity of five people.
• You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
• You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm.
• Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
• You call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.
• Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
• You can identify a negative "teeth to tattoo" ratio just by looking at a person.
• You find humour in other people's stupidity.
• You believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.
• You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
• You have your weekends off planned for a year.
• Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint.
• You call for a "wants and registered owner" on personalized licence plate STOLEN.
• You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be grounds for arrest.
• You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
• You plan what you're going to have for dinner while loading your sidearm.
• You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet around here."
• You refer to your night-stick as a "dork slayer".
• Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track.
• You believe chocolate is a food group.
• When someone calls you a prick, you take it as a compliment.
• You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide... Getting it Right the First Time."
• You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict.
• You have ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.
• You have ever replied "yes" when someone calls asking, "Is my husband (father, etc.) there?"
• You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to a particular local bar.
• You believe the dispatcher is a shit magnet who is possessed by a demon.
• Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
• You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
• You have heard the Sergeant muttering down the hall, "Who's in charge of this mess anyway?"
• When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.
• You believe that the cells should be provided with a valium saltlick.
• Your prisoner states, "I have no idea how that got there".
• It occurs to you suddenly one night that you are policing the Twilight Zone.
• You believe anyone who says "I only had two or three beers" is going to blow over 150.
• You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.
• You are told to deliver a human jaw in a jar, and you find yourself talking to it, there on the seat beside you.
• You believe it's not a good death unless it involves overtime.
• You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.
• You walk into places and people think it high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you, Bill!"
• You have difficulty differentiating between counsel and client.
• You do not see daylight from November to May.
• People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're being hugely funny and original.
• You believe in involuntary sterilization.
• You believe office meetings are always called at the end of your shift!