You Might Be a Cop If...
- You have the bladder capacity of five people.
- You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
- You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm.
- Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
- You call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward
you.
- Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to
you.
- You can identify a negative "teeth to tattoo" ratio just by looking at a
person.
- You find humour in other people's stupidity.
- You believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.
- You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
- You have your weekends off planned for a year.
- Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose
restraint.
- You call for a "wants and registered owner" on personalized licence plate
STOLEN.
- You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be grounds for arrest.
- You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
- You plan what you're going to have for dinner while loading your
sidearm.
- You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, it
sure is quiet around here."
- You refer to your night-stick as a "dork slayer".
- Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a
computer can track.
- You believe chocolate is a food group.
- When someone calls you a prick, you take it as a compliment.
- You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide... Getting it
Right the First Time."
- You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict.
- You have ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing
uncontrollably.
- You have ever replied "yes" when someone calls asking, "Is my husband
(father, etc.) there?"
- You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to a particular
local bar.
- You believe the dispatcher is a shit magnet who is possessed by a
demon.
- Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
- You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
- You have heard the Sergeant muttering down the hall, "Who's in charge of
this mess anyway?"
- When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.
- You believe that the cells should be provided with a valium saltlick.
- Your prisoner states, "I have no idea how that got there".
- It occurs to you suddenly one night that you are policing the Twilight
Zone.
- You believe anyone who says "I only had two or three beers" is going to
blow over 150.
- You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.
- You are told to deliver a human jaw in a jar, and you find yourself talking
to it, there on the seat beside you.
- You believe it's not a good death unless it involves overtime.
- You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.
- You walk into places and people think it high comedy to seize a co-worker
and shout, "They've come to get you, Bill!"
- You have difficulty differentiating between counsel and client.
- You do not see daylight from November to May.
- People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're
being hugely funny and original.
- You believe in involuntary sterilization.
- You believe office meetings are always called at the end of your
shift!