Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career as a lawncare specialist. How
'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy
in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really
really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll
have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and
daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby-sitter?
Boy, she's a hottie. He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane! Let
me get you some nice LEGOs instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your
reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to
be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in
the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do; I'm skipping your
house...
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE,
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up
here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent
apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Santa