Interpreting Personal Ads

First, the women:: 40-ish: 48; Adventurer: Has had more partners than you ever will; Athletic: Flat-chested; Average looking: Ugly; Beautiful: Pathological liar; Contagious Smile: Bring your penicillin; Educated: College dropout; Emotionally Secure: Medicated; Feminist: Fat; ball buster; Free spirit: Substance user; Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as slut; Fun: Annoying; Gentle: Comatose; Good Listener: Borderline Autistic; New-Age: All body hair, all the time; Old-fashioned: Lights out, missionary position only; Open-minded: Desperate; Outgoing: Loud; Passionate: Loud; Poet: Depressive Schizophrenic; Professional: Real Witch; Redhead: Shops the Clairol section; Reubenesque: Grossly Fat; Romantic: Looks better by candle light; Voluptuous: Very Fat; Weight proportional to height: Hugely Fat; Wants Soulmate: One step away from stalking; Widow: Nagged first husband to death; Young at heart: Toothless crone; Seeks financially-solvent male: Gold digger

Now, the men:: 40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old; Athletic: Sits on the couch and watches ESPN; Average looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back; Educated: Will always treat you like an idiot; Free Spirit: Sleeps with your sister; Friendship first: As long as friendship involves nudity; Fun: Good with a remote and a six pack; Good looking: Arrogant; Honest: Pathological Liar; Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than a bear; Like to cuddle: Insecure, overly dependent; Mature: Until you get to know him; Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested; Physically fit: I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself; Poet: Has written on a bathroom stall; Spiritual: Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday; Stable: Occasional stalker, but never arrested; Thoughtful: Says "Please" when demanding a beer; Independently wealthy: Inherited money from Mommy & Daddy; Seeks long-term Relationship: Drop dead after we sleep together; Likes to talk: Machiavellian, see "honest"; Iconoclast, Independent: Homeless; Bored: Suicidal; Geek: Washed jeans last month; Financially secure: Seeking father/daughter relationship; 8" Cock: 4.5"