From rec.humor Thu Dec 3 14:26:26 1992 Subject: Re: Funny Headlines Date: 3 Dec 92 16:18:29 GMT

From Richard Lederer's <Anguished English: An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon Our Language>

AIR HEAD FIRED

ARSON SUSPECT IS HELD IN MASSACHUSETTS FIRE

ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT

BAN ON SOLICITING DEAD IN TROTWOOD

BANK DRIVE-IN WINDOW BLOCKED BY BOARD

BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

BRITISH UNION FINDS DWARFS IN SHORT SUPPLY

CHEF THROWS HIS HEART INTO HELPING FEED NEEDY

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

DEAF COLLEGE OPENS DOORS TO HEARING

DEER KILL 17,000

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1000 IN E84

ENFIELDS COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE

HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC

HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE

INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS

LANSING RESIDENTS CAN DROP OFF TREES

LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF

LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

MAN MINUS EAR WAIVES HEARING

MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION FROM LOVED ONE

NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP

NEW VACCINE MAY CONTAIN RABIES

OLD SCHOOL PILLARS ARE REPLACED BY ALUMNI

PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

PROSECUTOR RELEASES PROBE INTO UNDERSHERIFF

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD

RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED

SEX EDUCATION DELAYED, TEACHERS REQUEST TRAINING

SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66

SOME PIECES OF ROCK HUDSON SOLD AT AUCTION

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS

SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN

SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

STEALS CLOCK, FACES TIME

STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE

STUD TIRES OUT

SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

SUSPECT IN DWI HIT-AND-RUN WILL SPEND TIME BEHIND BARS

TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNG

TWO SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER

TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD

WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

From wartime Britain:

BRITISH PUSH BOTTLES UP GERMANS

CHURCHILL FLIES BACK TO FRONT

plus one found in a 1944 issue of the <Homestead [PA] Daily Messenger>...
STUDENTS HEAR REPTILE LECTURE