Bumper Stickers

• Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• The more you complain,
  the longer God lets you live.
• I love cats...
  They taste just like chicken.
• Out of mind.
  Back in five minutes.
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
• Your kid may be an honor student,
  but you're still an idiot!
• Change is inevitable,
  except from a vending machine.
• It IS as bad as you think,
  and they ARE out to get you.
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
• Be nice to your kids.
  They'll be choosing your nursing home.
• Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
• Jesus is coming --
  Everyone look busy!
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• Horn broken,
  watch for finger.
• If at first you don't succeed,
  don't go skydiving.
• If at first you do succeed,
  try not to look astonished.
• Help wanted: Telepath --
  you know where to apply.
• I.R.S.:
  We've got what it takes
  to take what you've got.
• Jesus loves you...
  Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
• I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
• If you're offended by my fucking language,
  get off my fucking ass!
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• Don't laugh, mister;
  your daughter might be in here.
• Sucking Gas & Hauling Ass -
  The American Dream
• Don't piss me off --
  I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
• I'm not tailgating,
  I'm drafting.
• Hang up and drive!
• Support Search and Rescue.
  Get Lost!
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...
  not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• RACECAR spelled backwards is RACECAR
• Lord, save me from your followers.
• Guns don't kill people,
  postal workers do.
• Guns don't kill people,
  I do!
• Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
• I said "no" to drugs,
  but they just wouldn't listen.
• Friends don't let friends drive naked.
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals,
  why are they made of meat?
• Lottery:
  A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Friends help you move.
  Real friends help you move bodies.
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...
  till you can find a rock.
• Sex on television can't hurt you...
  unless you fall off.
• Forget about World Peace...
  Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
• I think you left the stove on.
• I am NOT a NUMBER!
  I am a DEMOGRAPHIC!
• Guillotine operator wanted.
  Chance to get ahead.
• I am in total control,
  but don't tell my wife.
• Real women don't have hot flashes,
  they have power surges.
• Forget the Joneses...
  I can't keep up with The Simpsons.
• I just took an IQ test.
  The results were negative.
• "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
• I used to live in the real world,
  but I got evicted.
• All generalizations are false, including this one.
• When there's a will,
  I want to be in it.
• Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
• Few women admit their age.
  Few men act theirs.
• I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
• Better to understand a little
  than to misunderstand a lot.
• Consciousness:
  that annoying time between naps.
• Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Don't take life too seriously.
  You won't get out alive.
• I don't suffer from insanity.
  I enjoy every minute of it.
• What is a "free" gift?
  Aren't all gifts free?
• Assassins do it from behind.
• Engineers do it with less resistance.
• If ignorance is bliss,
  you must be orgasmic.
• There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
• Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
• I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
• Learn from your parents' mistakes:
  Use birth control!
• Hard work has a future payoff.
  Laziness pays off now.
• (S)he who laughs last thinks slowest!
• Always remember you're unique,
  just like everyone else.
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
  I don't know and I don't care!
• Time is the best teacher;
  unfortunately, it kills all its students.
• Boldly going nowhere.
• CAUTION -
  Driver legally blonde!
• Dain bramaged.
• Honk If You Haven't Slept With Bill Clinton.
• Honk if you want to see my finger.
• Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
• Keep honking --
  I'm reloading.
• If you can't dazzle them with brilliance,
  riddle them with bullets.
• WARNING!
  Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
• I don't have a license to kill.
  I have a learner's permit.
• How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
• If you lived in your car,
  you'd be home now.
• I'm an imbecile and I vote.
• Money Isn't Everything,
  But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
• What has four legs and an arm?
  A happy pit bull.
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
• Wanted:
  Meaningful overnight relationship.
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
• Beer:
  It's not just for breakfast anymore.
• So you're a feminist...
  Isn't that cute!
• I need someone real bad...
  Are you real bad?
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• All men are idiots...
  and I married their king.
• As long as there are tests,
  there will be prayer in public schools.
• Nebraska:
  At least the cows are sane.
• God must love stupid people:
  He made so many!
• Smile!
  It's the second best thing you can do with your lips!
• It's lonely at the top,
  but you eat better.
• Don't drink and drive...
  You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
• If you drink, don't park.
  Accidents cause people.
• Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
  Never drink and derive.
• Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
• Support Cannibalism: EAT ME!
• God is my co-pilot,
  but the Devil is my bombardier.
• I wasn't born a bitch.
  Men like you made me this way.
• Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
• Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?
• Madness takes its toll.
  Please have exact change.
• Five days a week my body is a temple.
  The other two, it's an amusement park.
• EARTH FIRST!
  We'll stripmine the other planets later.
• Save the whales!
  Trade them for valuable prizes.
• If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
• Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
• Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
• My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...
  or something like that.
• Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
• If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
• Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
• Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date.
• Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
• Try not to let your mind wander.
  It's too small and fragile to be out by itself.