How to Be Annoying

  1. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
  2. Drum on every available surface.
  3. Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
  4. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
  5. Ask "800" operators for dates.
  6. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
  7. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
  8. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
  9. Set alarms for random times.
  10. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip...
  11. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
  12. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
  13. Honk and wave to strangers.
  14. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
  15. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
  16. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
  17. Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
  18. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  19. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  20. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
  21. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
  22. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
  23. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
  24. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
  25. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
  26. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
  27. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
  28. When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
  29. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
  30. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  31. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
  32. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
  33. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
  34. Drive half a block.
  35. Name your dog "Dog".
  36. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
  37. Ask people what gender they are.
  38. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
  39. Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
  40. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
  41. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. ("Copacabana" is also useful for this.)
  42. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  43. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
  44. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  45. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
  46. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  47. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
  48. Ask to "interface" with someone.
  49. Sing along at the opera.
  50. Mow your lawn with scissors.
  51. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
  52. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
  53. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook... something about "psychological profiles."
  54. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
  55. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".
  56. Resend humourous e-mail messages to the person who sends them to you.
  57. Leave all headers and footnotes on forwarded jokes.
  58. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
  59. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".
  60. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  61. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
  62. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
  63. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
  64. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
  65. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  66. Sniffle incessantly.
  67. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
  68. Name your dog "Dog".
  69. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
  70. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
  71. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training".
  72. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
  73. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
  74. Practice making fax and modem noises.
  75. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
  76. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".
  77. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
  78. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
  79. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
  80. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
  81. Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  82. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
  83. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.