Chuck Norris Facts

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all three at the same time.
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong phone.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
When you say "no one's perfect," Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
There is no "Ctrl" button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris was an only child... eventually.
Chuck Norris supplements his already substantial income by selling his beard trimmings to the local police department to be used as bullet-proof vests.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.
While learning CPR, Chuck Norris brought the practice dummy to life.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear rug in his room. It's not dead; it's just afraid to move.
Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday is just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.
Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS, but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris hit 11 out of 10 targets… with 9 bullets… while his gun was locked in a safe back at his house.
Death once had a near-Chuck experience.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
When God said, "Let there be light," Chuck Norris said, "Say 'please'."
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
If you say Chuck Norris's name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
Before the government of the United States can declare war, Congress must get permission from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000°. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked fifteen cartons of cigarettes a day for two years and acquired seven different kinds of cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing for thirty minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris - more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris - robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pickup. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger by yelling, "Bang!"
When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying, "Booya."
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane."
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it, honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later, it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the shit out of it.
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
A cop once pulled Chuck Norris over. Luckily, Chuck let him off with only a warning.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, never ask him for his three-hole punch.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
When Chuck Norris crosses the street, cars look both ways for him.
A Chuck Norris-delivered roundhouse kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick).
Chuck Norris's house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ... All of it.
Chuck Norris died twenty years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than four hours. His erections have been known to last for up to fifteen days.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he roundhouse-kicked the deputy.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris's beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with, "Weights don't hit back," and broke her neck with a roundhouse.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can lift up a chair with one hand… while he's sitting on it.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word "hunting" infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris plays Red Rover, he walks over to the other line, roundhouse-kicks the first person, watches them all fall over in a domino, and screams out, "Norris is over."
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed fifty people. Then it exploded.
Chuck Norris can bake a cake in the freezer.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris's shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
A handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
Chuck Norris once dug a hole with a spoon. It is now known as the Grand Canyon.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
Nobody has ever heard a woman while she was in bed with Chuck Norris. This is because only dogs can hear the frequencies in which she is screaming.
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris; the result is death.
There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris... Just kidding. Chuck Norris is first.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
We don't know if Chuck Norris enjoys a good fight. He's never had one.
Chuck Norris uses a stunt double during crying scenes.
Chuck Norris doesn't leave cookies and milk for Santa; Santa leaves cookies and milk for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.
Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the Richter scale.
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as giraffes.
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football -- in that order.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Chuck Norris doesn't shave, he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry; the man ate a fucking Indian.
Angelina Jolie can curve a bullet. Chuck Norris can curve a laser.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a joker, a "Get Out of Jail Free" Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green 4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
Did you know Chuck Norris had a role in Star Wars?
He was the Force.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Chuck Norris always talks about Fight Club.
When cops pull Chuck Norris over, they try to talk their way out of it.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris's Gmail account: gmail@chucknorris.com
Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Chuck Norris loves you.
Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can make a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
There are no disabled people, only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records, it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Every year on his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
When Chuck Norris pours milk on his Rice Krispies, they shut the hell up!
Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the world once. It hasn't stopped spinning.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
When Chuck Norris left for college, he told his father, "You're the man of the house now."
When Chuck Norris was a kid, he used live piranhas as bath toys.
Chuck Norris is the only person that went to McDonald's, ordered a Whopper… and got it.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Brokeback Mountain isn't just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas on his front lawn.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
The flu has to get Chuck Norris shots once a year.
Guns don't kill people; Chuck Norris kills people.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes.
Chuck Norris doesn't turn on the shower; he stares at it until it starts to cry.
Chuck Norris can go to Burger King and get a Big Mac made the way he wants it.
MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
God wanted ten days to create the world. Chuck Norris gave him six.
Chuck Norris played Russian roulette with a fully-loaded gun and won.
When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't pushing himself up; he's pushing the earth down.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "I could eat a horse," after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
The Guinness Book of World Records is actually Chuck Norris' elementary school report card.
Chuck Norris haunts Freddy Krueger's nightmares.
The eternal conundrum, "What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?" was finally solved when Chuck Norris punched himself in the face.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.