Best of Chuck Norris Facts

  1. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
  2. Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong phone.
  3. When you say "no one's perfect," Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
  4. Chuck Norris was an only child... eventually.
  5. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  6. Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.
  7. Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear rug in his room. It's not dead; it's just afraid to move.
  8. Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  9. When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
  10. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
  11. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
  12. Chuck Norris hit 11 out of 10 targets… with 9 bullets… while his gun was locked in a safe back at his house.
  13. Death once had a near-Chuck experience.
  14. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
  15. Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
  16. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  17. Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
  18. When Chuck Norris was born, he drove his mom home from the hospital.
  19. When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
  20. Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
  21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.
  22. Chuck Norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund.
  23. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
  24. There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
  25. A cop once pulled Chuck Norris over. Luckily, Chuck let him off with only a warning.
  26. If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, never ask him for his three-hole punch.
  27. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
  28. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, cars look both ways for him.
  29. Chuck Norris died twenty years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
  30. Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
  31. Chuck Norris can lift up a chair with one hand… while he's sitting on it.
  32. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word "hunting" infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
  33. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
  34. Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed fifty people. Then it exploded.
  35. Chuck Norris can bake a cake in the freezer.
  36. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
  37. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
  38. Chuck Norris once dug a hole with a spoon. It is now known as the Grand Canyon.
  39. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
  40. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
  41. On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
  42. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
  43. We don't know if Chuck Norris enjoys a good fight. He's never had one.
  44. Chuck Norris uses a stunt double during crying scenes.
  45. Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the Richter scale.
  46. Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
  47. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  48. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
  49. Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
  50. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
  51. Chuck Norris doesn't shave, he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
  52. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
  53. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
  54. Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
  55. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry; the man ate a fucking Indian.
  56. Angelina Jolie can curve a bullet. Chuck Norris can curve a laser.
  57. Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a joker, a "Get Out of Jail Free" Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green 4 card from the game UNO.
  58. Did you know Chuck Norris had a role in Star Wars?
    He was the Force.
  59. Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
  60. Chuck Norris always talks about Fight Club.
  61. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
  62. Chuck Norris's Gmail account: gmail@chucknorris.com
  63. Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
  64. Chuck Norris can make a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
  65. Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.
  66. Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
  67. Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret.
  68. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  69. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  70. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
  71. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  72. When Chuck Norris pours milk on his Rice Krispies, they shut the hell up!
  73. When Chuck Norris left for college, he told his father, "You're the man of the house now."
  74. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
  75. Chuck Norris played Russian roulette with a fully-loaded gun and won.
  76. Chuck Norris coined the phrase, "I could eat a horse," after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
  77. The Guinness Book of World Records is actually Chuck Norris' elementary school report card.
  78. Chuck Norris haunts Freddy Krueger's nightmares.
  79. The eternal conundrum, "What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?" was finally solved when Chuck Norris punched himself in the face.
  80. Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.