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Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!

If you are obsessive/compulsive, please press 1 repetedly.

If you are co-dependent, get someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, & 6.

If you are paranoid delusional, hang up. We know who you are and we're on our way.

If you are manic-depressive in your depressive phase, don't bother pressing anything, nobody cares. If you are in your manic phase, PRESS EVERYTHING!

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are hallucinatory delusional, please be aware that the thing you are holding to your head is alive, and about to bite you.