Pregnancy Questions & Answers
Submitted by M.D. from Shinglehouse PA - Thank You!
Here are some real answers to some real questions regarding pregnancy:
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will
be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes
she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while
my wife is in labor?
A. No, not unless the word "alimony" means anything to
you.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel
and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the
flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my
feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at
me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air
current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will
see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, oderlies,
photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown
away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of
global chemical warfare.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.