The Pasadena Tournament of Roses parade was buzzed by a B-2 stealth bomber as part of the salute to the Air Force. Reportedly, nobody noticed.
(from 2013, during Obama's administration)
Q: What's the difference between the Kansas City Zoo and the White House?
A: The Kansas City Zoo has an African Lion. (The White House has a Lyin' African.)
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Dear Mr. Weatherman,
I just wanted to drop you a little note to let you know that I just finished shoveling three feet of "Partly Cloudy" from my driveway.
My New Year's Resolution is 1600x1200.
Two little boys were playing together when a cute, curly-haired girl walked by. One kid said, "You know something? When I stop hating girls, I think I'll stop hating that one first!"
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
Attire.
There's no i in denial.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Normal people believe that, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe that "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
Hiroshima '45 Chernobyl '86 Windows '95
Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A: Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Two CSS properties walk into a bar.
A barstool in a completely different bar falls over.
From: claird@Starbase.NeoSoft.COM (Cameron Laird) Organization: NeoSoft Internet Access (+1 888 NEOSOFT) Subject: Anti-Bill-ism
From advertising brochure DataLynx, Inc. ("SECURITY THROUGH STRENGTH") surface-mailed me in July 1997:
Firewalls don't know the difference between a virus, a Trojan Horse, or Windows NT.
From: davew2@slip.net (DaveW) Organization: SlipNet Subject: Bumper Sticker
Seen recently on a bumper sticker in funny California:
"HONK if you're Illiterate."
Is it just me, or are there fewer minimalists every year?
Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers.
We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.
Runs in our jeans.
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Want to hear a word I just made up?
Plagiarism.
To the handicapped guy who stole my bag:
You can hide but you can't run.
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life."
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
Someone stole my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about that.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
From: fred222@juno.com (FREDERIC L. MCKENZIE) Subject: Stupid Headlines
Newspapers sometimes mirror society:
"Lack of brains hinders research." The Columbus Dispatch.
From: bearvly@home.com (Charles Eutsler) Organization: @Home Network Subject: Fortune cookie say...
The fortune cookie I got today told me "IF YOU WANT SOMETHING, YOU MUST EARN IT." This was followed by six numbers which apparently are going to win the lottery for me.
From: harland@austx.tandem.com (Harland Maxwell) Subject: Sounds like a good idea
My newsreader just informed me of a new group: rec.martial-arts.moderated
I guess the group was getting out of control.
From: ajrosen@cgicafe.com (Adam J. Rosen) Subject: New twist on an old proverb
Told to me by a friend:
If at first you don't succeed, don't go skydiving.
From: dejohn@bellsouth.net Organization: Old South Post Cards Subject: Death by the Numbers
Heard this on National Public Radio this afternoon (4/13/97):
Is it really necessary to sterilize the needle to give a lethal injection?
From: rfire@cais.cais.com (Dr. Roger M. Firestone) Subject: From the Usenet FAQ
Q. Does Usenet help stamp out ignorance?
A. That depends on whether by "stamp out" you mean "eliminate" or "reproduce rapidly in great quantity."
From: diamond@tbj.dec-j.co.jp (Norman Diamond) Subject: So who needs a computer?
What's the difference between an extended partition containing two logical drives, and a politician?
You don't need Windows 95 to corrupt the politician.
From: sar@mitre.org (Scott A. Renner) Subject: vegetarians, explain this one
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
[from the correspondence section of Harper's Magazine, November 1997]
From: balkenh@primenet.com (Robert Balkenhol)
young priest to monsignor: God must love roaches; otherwise, they would cease to exist.
monsignor: No, it's not that God loves roaches -- He can't seem to get rid of them, either.
From: jonathan@cyberbeach.net (Jonathan Abourbih)
While in Calgary, Alberta this summer, I saw a sign in the window of a furniture store. It said: "Stool Samples Available".
From: jhayward@math.uiuc.edu (Jonathan Hayward) Subject: What's the difference...
Q: What's the difference between programming and bug collecting?
A: None.
Q: Why don't they let government workers look out the window in the morning?
A: So they will have something to do in the afternoon.
A blonde went into a pizza restaurant. When she placed her order, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six, please," she said. "I could never eat twelve!"
When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
(click)
Because she smells like a new truck.
A girl criticized my apartment so I knocked her flat.
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
-- Conan O'Brien
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
-- Bobcat Goldthwait
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
-- A. Whitney Brown
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
-- Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
-- Warren Hutcherson
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."
-- Jeff Stilson
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
-- Ron Richards
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
-- Rita Rudner
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a blood stain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
-- Ellen DeGeneres
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
-- David Letterman
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away."
-- Billiam Coronell
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"
-- Larry Miller
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
-- Jake Johansen
"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
-- Garry Shandling
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
-- Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
"Dave, hast du angst?"
-- Beryl Guhl
http://www.dsiegel.com/dine/
Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while, they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots by three feet. The second aims and undershoots by three feet. The third shouts out, "We got him!"
A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.
Ten years later, he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.
The snail says, "What the heck was that all about?"
After a long day on the course, the exasperated golfer turned to his caddie and said, "You must be the absolute worst caddie in the world."
"No, I don't think so," said the caddie. "That would be too much of a coincidence."
Reading is something you do when you're bored or on the pot, just like life is what you do when you can't get to sleep.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."
The second? William Jefferson Clinton. Coincidence?
Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom asks Eric what the problem is. "Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those women's questions women ask. Now I'm in trouble at home." "What kind of question?" asked Tom. "My wife asked if I'd still love her when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will.'" "Yeah," said Eric, "Right, except I said, 'Of course I do.'"
A reporter is interviewing a 104-year-old woman. The reporter asks, "What do you think is the best thing about being 104?" The woman replies, "No peer pressure."
Psychology is really Biology, Biology is really Chemistry, Chemistry is really Physics, and Physics is really Math.
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown, and say, "That's not it," and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: "That's it."
A man was out cleaning up my garage, when he accicently started it on fire. He ran in the house, called the fire department, and told them that he had a fire and that they'd have to come over right away. The person on the other end said, "Okay, how do we get there?" The man replied, "Don't you still have those little red trucks?"
On TV:
(Interviewer): "Gary Kasparov, you've just beaten the world's most powerful chess computer, what are you going to do next?"
(Kasparov): "I'm going to http://www.disneyworld.com ."
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. Or some joker who is slicker, Will trick you of your liquor, If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
[Saw this in the local comic strip "Adventures in Cartooning"]
Question on an application form for a fictional newspaper:
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. With help from the two survivors, Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"