Things Learned in College

Problem Solving
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
-- Abraham Maslow

Materialism
He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.

Religious Practices
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!

Infinity
If you had everything, where would you keep it?

Economics
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

Publishing Or Perishing
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-- English Professor, Ohio University

Lamentation
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Poetic Love
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!

Modernism
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Material Science
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.

Extinction
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Literature
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
-- Dorothy Parker

Humility
To err is human; to moo, bovine.

Prophecy
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.

Numbers
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for very large values of 2.

World Politics
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

Drugs And Development
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.