There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there. He said he couldn't complain.
Don't let an extra chromosome get you Down.
People used to laugh at me when I would say, "I want to be a comedian." Well, nobody's laughing now.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, "This changes everything."
My grandfather has the heart of a lion… and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
Say what you want about deaf people…
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
Did you hear about the bedbugs that fell in love?
They're getting married in the spring.
Did you hear about the two spiders who got married?
They met on the web.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, it's tearable.
I once told a joke about infinity.
Never heard the end of it.
My wife keeps telling me I'm the cheapest person she's ever met, but I'm not buying it.
You don't really need brakes on a car. They only slow you down.
I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
There's this tree just standing outside my house and it seems kinda shady.
Piano is not my forte.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he
started to swing at the tree, when it shouted,
"Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack grinned and said,
"And you will dialogue."
C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not A minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator.
Did you hear about the programmer who left his job because he didn't get arrays?
A horse walkes into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic, considering all the bars it frequents. The horse replies, "I don't think I am." … POOF!, the horse disappears.
This is the point when any philosophy students begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of cogito ergo sum, or roughly, "I think, therefore I am."
But to explain that concept beforehand would be putting Decartes before the horse.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great!
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
When people think that Catholics worship Mary, that's an Immaculate Misconception.
-- Dan Black
24 Nov 2016
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas!
A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious… Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone know that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03pm. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
An angry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.
A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Income tax: Capital punishment.
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
Archeologist: One whose career lies in ruins.
Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
California smog test: Can UCLA?
Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
Will: A dead give away.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - it taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why the English language is difficult to learn:
The bandage was wound around the wound.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
They were too close to the door to close it.
There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He said to his wife, "Look, honey. It's raining."
She, being the obstinate type, responded, "I don't think so, dear. I think it's snowing."
But Rudolph knew better. So he said to his wife, "Let's step outside, and we'll find out." Lo and behold, they stepped outside and discovered it was, in fact, rain.
Rudolph turned to his wife and said, "I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
A mother pig was walking through the barnyard one day with one of her piglets. Suddenly, a raccoon raced out from behind the barn and scared the living daylights out of the mother pig. … The little hog laughed to see such a plight and the sow jumped over the coon.
The following breeds are now being considered for recognition by the AKC:
Two Chinese brothers named Hing and Ming were devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom; however, each differed greatly about how such wisdom was to be obtained.
Being a rural family, they were farmers. One day, their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all its feathers. The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken.
Hing immediately went back to the university. Having studied ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer to the chicken's illness was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken's mouth for two months. Each day he prepared the tea leaves according to different recipes, coming up with dozens of courses for the sick chicken.
Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves. Ming, aware of his brother's lack of success in this same venture, decided that the problem had to be quantity. Ming trusted his ancestors; after all, his family had always given him sound advice. He gathered whole carloads of leaves and brewed barrels of the tea and poured them into the chicken's mouth for two months, all the time extolling the virtues and honor of his family's ancestors and spiritual goodness.
Unfortunately, after two months of treatment, the chicken was still sick and naked as a bowling ball.
Apparently, all of Hing's courses and all of Ming's kin, couldn't make gum-tea re-feather a hen.
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green toy army men in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army men be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
Back in the medieval times, there was a serf named Benny. Benny was a nice guy, just unlucky in life. Well, one day, he was sitting in the gutter, bemoaning his station in life, when who should appear, but his Fairy Godmother! She said to Benny, "Benny, we have long watched you, and we have determined that you are indeed a man of honor, though little wealth, so we have decided to give you three wishes, on the condition that you never get a haircut or a shave for the rest of your life." Benny considers briefly, then agrees.
His first wish was for a castle better than the King's. Instantly, a huge castle sprung up beside him! His second wish was for enough gold to fill all the treasure vaults in the castle. Well, the castle just sorta sank into the ground a little bit with the weight of all that gold. Benny went into the castle, exploring it to his pleasure, when, arriving at the uppermost spire, he saw the King's Army coming after him to stop the usurper. Benny used his last wish for an army big enough to ensure his victory, and as a result, Benny actually became King!
True to his nature, he was a kind, just, and benevolent King. Thirty years later, as he was walking through town (with his helper carrying his hair and beard in a wheelbarrow behind him), Benny saw a barber shop, and stood outside to watch the people inside getting shaves and haircuts. Benny thought to himself, "Man, that Fairy Godmother was ancient thirty years ago. She should surely be dead by now." So he went in and got a shave and a haircut. As he was looking in the mirror at himself, he saw the Fairy Godmother's face appear in the mirror, looking sadly at him.
"Benny", she said, "We were SO proud of you. You had been doing so well! But a promise is a promise -- you agreed to no shaves or haircuts, so we have to punish you." So she waved her magic wand and turned poor Benny into a beautiful, elaborately painted urn.
Which goes to show the moral of the story: A Benny Shaved is a Benny Urned.
A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. No one spoke, but they all noticed that the strangers hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.
Of course, he was arrested for rustling.
Once there was a rabbi who traveled throughout the land, meeting many strange people. Once he visited the town of Trid. The only pastime of the Trids was to go up to the top of their local hill, and get kicked down by a giant. The rabbi stayed there for about a week, and he just couldn't understand why they liked doing that. So one day, he climbed up the hill, and went up to the giant, and bent over, in the traditional "Kick me in the bottom" posture. He waited for a few minutes, and nothing happened, so he got up and turned around to face the giant. "Giant," he said, "why won't you kick me down the mountain?" he replied, "Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for Trids!"
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "that's life, and there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Mike. "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."
I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!
Because his trip to North America took so long, Leif Erickson returned home only to learn that his name had been crossed from the list of village inhabitants. He complained to the village chief, who relayed the adventurer's displeasure to the village statistician.
"I'm so sorry," said the census keeper. "I must have taken Leif off my census."
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community… and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".
During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee. He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted: "Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"
An attorney was driving through the countryside when his car failed him. He looked under the hood and knocked a few items around with a hammer. In the process he knocked off a gas line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting it back on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his surprise it started and he headed for the nearest town for a permanent repair. To celebrate his success he lit up a cigarette, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He stuck his arm out the window hoping the wind at 50 miles per hour would put it out. He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and given a ticket for an illegal use of a firearm.
A movie producer was planning his next blockbuster: an action docudrama about famous composers. He set up a meeting with Sylvester Satllone, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, and offered them a chance to select which famous musicians they'd portray.
"I've always admired Mozart," Stallone said. "I'd love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Dame. "That's the part for me."
Finally, the producer turned to Schwarzenegger. "And you, Arnold? Who do you want to be?"
There was a long silence. Finally Arnold spoke up, "I'll be Bach."
Two robins were lying on their backs, relaxing in the warm sunlight. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by.
The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm really hungry; what can we eat?"
The mama cat looked around and quickly made a decision. She said, "How about some Baskin Robins?"
A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men in the cute robes, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged them to get out of business, but they ignored him. He even had his mother go ask them to close their doors. They ignored her too.
Finally the florist hired Hugh McTaggard, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they closed up -- proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
An Indian chief was feel rather sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief just shrugged and remarked, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
There are many stories related to the sinking of the Titanic. Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie.
For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
An explorer gets captured by cannibals, and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."
Once there was a man named Joe who drove a bus in New York City. The name of his bus was the Sesame Street Bus. Every day Joe would pick up the same passengers. First to get on were two twin ladies, both named Patti. They were both very large women.
Next was a man named Ross, who was a very special person.
After Ross came Lester Cheese. He would always sit in the back of the bus and pick his bunions all day long.
One day, Joe came to his boss and said, "Boss, I can't take it anymore. I quit!"
"But why, Joe?" asked his boss. "You've driven that bus for years!"
Joe replied, "Because it's the same thing every day. The same bus, the same route, the same people. All day, every day, the same thing. Two obese Pattis, special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunions on a Sesame Street Bus!"
Today's Stock Market Report
A marine biologist was trying to come up with a new species of marine animal. He tried to cross-breed an abalone with a crocodile and hoped to develop an aba-dile. However, something went wrong, and all he could get was a croc-a-balone.
Years ago, there was a baker's assistant whose sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making sausage rolls (apparently the royal family loved sausage). Because people were identified by their professions, he was just called Richard the Pourer.
One day Richard ran out of some key ingredients, namely, a secret spice he used in the batter. He called his apprentice and sent him to the store to buy more spices.
When the apprentice arrived at the store, he found that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. Hoping that the storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him: "It's for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst."
A guy is walking through Chinatown in New York. He is fascinated by all the Chinese restaurants, the shops, the signs and banners on all the buildings. He is having the greatest time just walking and looking around. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign that says "Hans Olafsen's Laundry". "Hans Olafsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?" So, he walks into the shop and sees and old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.
The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen's Laundry?" The old man says, "Is name of owner." The visitor asks, "Who is the owner?" "I am he," answers the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olafsen?"
The old man replies, "Many years ago, when come to this country, I standing in line at immigration office. Man in front was big Swede. Lady look at him and say, "What your name?" and he say, "Hans Olafsen." Next, she look at me: "What your name?" I say, "Saim Ting."
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "I wouldn't worry about it, Fred. You're just two tents."
The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. So they sent it by helicopter, arriving at 5:00am. The newspapers reported the incident with the headlines: "The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn".
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
-- Tim Allen
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly, madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant still open?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully, and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at the desk.
"Morning, madam… sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?" "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional; I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though… they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh… well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK, I will… thanks!" replied Mary, who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. It's up to you, sync or swim."
Carstianity
"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."
Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door, who art in Half-ton.
I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler.
He is the Alfa and the Romeo.
He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille, and he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras.
He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged.
Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall, but turn the other Cherokee.
If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos.
He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta."
He ate the Last Supra, and he climbed the mount of Cavalier, where they cruise-controlled him on the Motocross.
But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.
Let us Prelude: Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible, In the 23rd Saab, "The Ford is my Chauffeur. I shall not Walk. He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals. Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart, I shall Fiero no Eagle. Subaru Goo dwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi Daytonas of my life, and I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean, Four-cylinder."
Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!
(By Steve Brooks, Winning entry in the O Henry Pun-Offs)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: jokeotday-owner@listbot.com (Seals) Subject: Two blokes lost in a desert Date: Thu, 17 Aug 2000 19:30:00 PDT URL: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/00/Aug/desert.html
These two blokes are lost in the Sahara desert. They're desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die, they chance upon a village where market day is in full swing. They go to the first stall they see and ask if they can buy some water.
"No," replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit. Try the next stall."
So off they go to the next stall and again they ask for water. "Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard."
"Custard?" one of the blokes says to the other, "What kind of place is this?"
By now desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly."
Hearing this, one of the blokes turns to the other and says, "This is a trifle bazaar."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he sometimes suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
A thief slipped in and out of the Louvre museum in France with a number of priceless art treasures. After eluding all of the intricate security measures, the thief was captured just a few blocks from the museum when his Ford Windstar ran out of gas. Investigators were baffled that a man who could elude such state of the art protection devices, could be foiled by such a minor oversight. When questioned about his gaffe, the burglar replied, "I didn't have the Monet to pay for Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
I had been planning this date with the most popular girl in school for a month. I had concert tickets, dinner reservations and my dad had given me the keys to his new car. Nothing could go wrong.
When I was about to leave, my mother stopped me. She had just received a frantic call from my older sister, Linda. Her car had stalled on the freeway and she was late for work.
I would have to go pick her up, take her to work, and then see that her car was towed to the nearest garage. I would have to cancel my date.
I immediately refused telling her it was impossible for me to do that.
My mother was irate. "Don't you have any sense of responsibility? She's family!"
"It's not that," I answered, "I just can't be a brother and assist her."
Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage.
Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse."
Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply." He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.
So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply."
"We can't," said the snakes. "We're adders."
When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being mean.
I gave away all my dead batteries today…
Free of charge.
A hamburger walked into a bar, climbed up onto a bar stool, looked at the bartender and ordered a tall cold beer.
The bartender looked at the hamburger for a moment and replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't sell you that drink."
The hamburger thought about this for a second and said, "I'm over 21. Why can't you sell me a drink?"
After looking at the hamburger for another moment, the bartender replied, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A linguist dies.
At his funeral, a fellow academic asks the widow, "May I say a word?" She nods.
He stands and says, "Plethora," and immediately sits down.
Tearfully, the widow says, "That means a lot."
A guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back.
"What the heck are you?" asks the host.
"I'm a snail," says the guy.
"But… you have a girl on your back!" replies the host.
"Yeah," he says, "that's Michelle!"
I just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I heard there was a new store called Moderation.
They have everything in there!
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today.
I told him that's the last thing I need.
My sea sickness comes in waves.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
The food is great, but there's just no atmosphere.
A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some Chap-Stick…
and put it on my bill."
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's ok, he woke up.
I ate a clock yesterday.
It was so time consuming.
Steak puns: They're a rare medium, well done.
Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he noticed a little pool of liquid forming under the bowl.
He called the waitress over and said, "There's broth all over the table. I think the bowl is cracked."
The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Maybe it has a leek in it!"
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin… … … … … … … …and tonic."
The Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear answers, "I don't know. My father had them, too!"
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requested shelter there. Fortunately, she was just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one said, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you," replied the nun.
"I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turned to the other Brother and said, "Then you must be…?"
"Yes, I'm the chip monk."
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl, who was at the beach pretty much everyday. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. Well? Is she selling drugs?" she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice.
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes," he replied, "She sells 'C' cells by the sea shore!"
A pirate says to his captain, "The cannons be ready."
The captain replies, "Are."
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.
Seconds later, two policemen came by. While one pulled the gentleman over, the second stopped traffic and recovered the box so as to avoid any further mishaps. When they opened the box, they found it contained large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked, "For what?!"
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
Did you hear about the inventor who came up with a knife that would slice two loaves of bread at the same time? He sold it to a large bakery for a handsome profit.
Shortly after that he developed a knife that could slice three loaves of bread at the same time. He sold that one for an even greater profit.
Finally, he came up with the ultimate bread slicer. This huge knife could cut four loaves of bread at the same time! And so was born the world's first four-loaf cleaver.
One of the most successful inventors of all time was the man who invented the hay-bailing machine. Needless to say, he made a bundle.
The best time to go to the dentist is tooth hurty.
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale.
All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.
Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo…"
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry; Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the lab report and the cat scan…"
Not many people know that Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb, was an avid fisherman.
He usually included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations. During one such trip to the West he was befriended by an Indian tribe. They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides for his stay.
On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was an old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse, it had no light even though the village had electricity in the homes.
As a thank-you gift for their kindness, Edison purchased the necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians' privy. He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.
Israeli police are looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect is described as the son of an ex-nun from Barcelona and a German father. He was a former flutist and worked occasionally as a farmer. In short, they are searching for a Haifa-lootin, flutin Teuton, son of a nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe.
Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good. Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together. Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell. Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help." Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot." St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, "I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?" This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell.
When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off. You see in Hell Sam owned a disco. The spent the day there together and had a great time. At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven.
He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, "Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?" Larry looked around and said "No, I don't think so I have my halo and my wings."
St. Peter looked at him and said, "Yes, but what about your harp?" Larry gasped and said, "I Left My Harp in Sam Clam's Disco."
A sea mammal research group captured a rather odd dolphin on one of its expeditions. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other dolphins?"
"Not on your life!" exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."
Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis, it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the birds' beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues, it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impacts with trucks, while only 2% were killed by impacts with cars. MTA then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The ornithological behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat road kill, they always have a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah," not a single one could shout "Truck."
Gerber is so concerned about the quality of ingredients in baby foods that conveyor belts are set up to allow inspectors to check out each vegetable individually. One day, one of the inspectors was too busy talking to a coworker to do a good job of examining the vegetables. After a while, her supervisor noticed a decline in quality and went to see what was going on. Once he saw that the inspector was gabbing away, he went to confront her. "Mind your queues of peas," he admonished.
News Flash:
A ship carrying a cargo of red paint has collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint.
Both crews were marooned.
There once was a poor lad named Timmy who had the misfortune of being born with only a head - no arms, no legs, nothing but a head. Now Timmy was a basically happy person and he was loved and cared for by his family. As long as he stayed within the shelter of his family, he was unworried by his condition, but as soon as he was thrust out into the world, he knew that something was seriously wrong. He began to dream about being a whole person with arms and legs and a body. He thought of nothing else. It became an obsession.
Then one day, Timmy heard of the famous Dr. Helen Von Rigginbottom, a physician who had been experimenting with cloning and tissue regeneration. Timmy grew so excited he could hardly contain himself. He had himself rushed to the doctor and made an appointment.
When the doctor met with Timmy, all of his hopes and dreams came true. The doctor assured Timmy that she could help him and would make him into a whole person, but she warned him that it could be a dramatic change and he should consider all of the ramifications. She began to list some of the many problems he might have, but he would not listen. She consented and game Timmy the injection that would start the process.
Timmy went home and tossed and turned on his pillow all night. Eventually, he fell asleep. The next morning when he awoke, Timmy was surprised to discover that he was a whole person. He had arms and legs and a body. He was so excited and grateful that he just had to thank the doctor, so he ran out of the house, across the street, and was hit by a truck and killed.
And of course the moral of our story is: While you're a head, stay a head.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a
German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an
Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a
Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a
Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a
Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan,
a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn,
a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a
Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a
Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian,
a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani,
a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a
Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a
Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a
Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a
Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an
Italian, a Norwegian and two Africans…
…walk into a posh restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.
"You can't come in here without a Thai."
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had Type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny -- period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job?
She couldn't control her pupils.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh, deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Halloween Puns