The World According to Andy Rooney

On Ads In Bills:

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels... I write, Could you throw this away for me? Thank You.

On Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) "Married" (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

On "Cripes":

My wife is from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like "Cripes". For Cripes sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh of the church of Holy Moly? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck?

On Morning Differences:

Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

On Pregnancy:

Its weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, "Oh my God. He is kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my God... Give me your hand... It won't be long now..."

On Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, Sexy Senior Citizen. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

On Prisons:

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

On Award Shows:

Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

On Phone-In-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting "I don't know". Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW! (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."